Sunday, April 11, 2010

Seven Awesomely Pornographic Webcomics to Read Behind Locked Doors

Warning: The following post is not safe for work, children, iPads, puritanical mothers-in-law, or persons with heart conditions. There are pictures of nekkid folks and naughty bits below the jump, and you should assume that any of the links in this post could make your head (or computer) asplode. [More]

As a wise person once said, the Internet is for porn. We have all kinds of porn -- not just sexy grandmas and uninhibited coeds, but Snorks BDSM, Transformers yaoi, and enough masturbating Sailor Senshi to make a Tijuana Bible maker blush.

But oddly, when I think of pornographic webcomics, not a whole lot comes to mind. No, scratch that, not a whole lot of good porny webcomics come to mind. There are plenty of NC-17 images floating around the webcomics world, but the bar for webcomics porn hasn't been set very high. I valiantly attempted to read something called PronQuest, but the sight of all those 3D sprites made my eyes bleed.

And there are plenty of comics that are suggestive, but fall short of actual pornography, and comics with lots of NSFW images that aren't porny in the least.

So what is the seeker of quality pornographic webcomics to do? Well, there's Slipshine, a collection of webcomics porn, boasting strips from Josh Lesnick, Phil Foglio, and over a dozen other creators. But Slipshine costs $89.99 a year -- although they swear the phrase "webcomics porn" never appears on your credit card statement. For those who prefer their hand-drawn porn free, you might want to take a gander at these comics:


Sexy Losers: This here's the great-grandaddy of great pornographic webcomics, although it's important to note that Sexy Losers (once The Thin H Line), probably wasn't meant to be titillating. Instead, it pokes fun at a wide variety of fetishes, sexual acts, and relationships. Let's put it this way: the recurring characters include a guy who thinks masturbation is the height of human experience, a woman who longs to sleep with her son, a necrophiliac who constantly follows around a suicidal girl (thus thwarting her attempts at suicide), and a fairy who breathe life into sex toys. Sexy Losers ended years ago, but it still holds a warm place in my black and twisted heart. As a teenager, I read this on my parents' dial-up and learned far more about sexual fetishes than I ever cared to. But hey, it was pretty damn funny and it gifted the Internet with the word "fap."




Oglaf: Oglaf is a spiritual successor to Sexy Losers, but it's not nearly as nightmare-inducing. Instead of focusing on the missteps of copraphages and necrophiliacs, Oglaf imagines the full range of sexual misadventures one might find in a high fantasy universe. There's that poor sorceress's apprentice who's not even allowed to masturbate, the perils of performing cunnilingus on the Snow Queen, and penises both blessed and cursed. Oh, and since this seems to surprise everyone, 'tis a girl who makes Oglaf. She just really likes to draw cocks and boobies.



Curvy: Okay, now we're getting into some good old fashioned gratuitous sex. I like to imagine that author Sylvan Migdal fell asleep one night after eating an entire Easter basket while watching Mario Bros-themed lesbian porn and dreamed up Curvy. Anais is a typical high school student until she runs into Fauna Lokjom, a licorice-flavored runaway bride from a dimension called Candy World. You see, there are many worlds in the Curvy universe, and each one has a gimmick (Tragically, we're Boring World). But all the worlds have one thing in common: everyone is pretty much always having sex all the time. The comic may sound as thin as a Necco Wafer, but it's actually chock full of clever sight gags. Read it, then read it again without your hands in your lap.




Ménage à 3: This one's easily the least explicit comic on the list, but it still features plenty of bare breasts and butt sex (albeit the non-graphic kind). A modern update of the classic sex comedy, Ménage ostensibly stars virginal twenty-something Gary, but focuses more on the omnisexual exploits of his friends and roommates. It's full of sitcom misunderstandings, constant innuendo, and quasi-platonic bedsharing. The comic got off to a slow start, but it's improved thanks in part to its expanding cast (especially the addition of tentacle-phobic Yuki and her hilariously improbable backstory). Now if only Gisele would hop to it and draw some wangs.



Chester 5000 XYV: Steampunk robot porn. I like saying that because I imagine the Internet cracks a little bit each time. Actually, Chester isn't terribly steampunky aside from its titular robo sex machine. In a lovely Victorian household, a talented inventor discovers that his wife has an unusually impressive libido. To prevent her from boning him to death, the inventor builds Chester 5000 XYV, the perfect automatic erotic playmate. All seems well until woman and robot fall passionately in love. Chester 5000 XYV is perfectly porny: tastefully titillating without taking itself too seriously, and has not a word of verbal dialogue. Incidentally, creator Jess Fink is also the author of the previously mentioned Star Trek: TNG review comics, which feature lots of sexy Picard.






Doctor Voluptua: Josh Lesnick is the brains behind webcomics-porn-for-pay site Slipshine and the creator of Slipshine comic The Wild, Wet, and Wooly World of Wendy. But he's also got a dirty comic that won't put a dent in your credit card bill. Busty sex psychiatrist Doctor Voluptua has some unconventional methods for treating unconventional sexual dysfunctions, be it a fear of penises, a singing dong, or a need for some unusual accoutrements during coitus. The comic only lasted for three story arcs, but in that brief span we got lots of shiny naked people, smiling wangs, and maracas. 





Starfighter: Here's another phrase that might give the Internet a happy little shudder: yaoi sci-fi porn. Admittedly, I don't know much about yaoi, but from what little I know, Starfighter fits the bill: two vaguely effeminate men strike up a relationship where one takes on a more stereotypically "male" role and the other a more stereotypically "female" role. The major difference here is that we actually see their throbbing members in action -- in spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace. Codename Cain is a hotshot fighter pilot who is literally aroused by his own prowess in battle. Codename Abel is his new navigator, a timid pretty boy who defied his wealthy family to join the military. Naturally, there's a lot of power-tripping sex to be had between them.

Any great pornographic webcomics I've left off the list? Post them in the comments. It's for...uh...research.

134 comments:

LurkerWithout said...

Hentai Action Theater

TSTuke said...

Spying with Lana: The online comic itself is mostly softcore but the printed version has uncensored scenes.

Genma Visage: Contains several erotic scenes.

Edible Dirt: Mostly humour but has plenty of dirty jokes to go around

Henry Milord said...

Oglaf is definitely my favorite, and gave me the inspiration for creating the (unfortunately, only french) humoristic webcomic ControlQ.
http://www.controlq.fr

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Kiyo said...

So....I've pretty much read them all? *sigh* I came here hoping I could find a new one. I salute you on your tastes, however. Especially on Curvy. That one starts my Saturdays off right~ ^-^ unfortunately, I have nothing to suggest as all the ones that I have read and liked are here.

Anonymous said...

Peter is the Wolf Sex every now and then in the adult part, lots of censored boobs in the non adult.

Anonymous said...

I am also always on this quest. I lOVE Starfighter and Chester. Here are a couple more I've enjoyed:

Artifice - http://webcomics.yaoi911.com/
Loved it, but it's far too short. Left me wanting more.

Teahouse - http://teahousecomic.com/
Definitely enjoying this one.

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Personally, I believe "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". I'd rather use film cameras and vinyl records and cathode ray tubes than any sort of the digital technology available. Look around! The streets are full of people who would rather have their eyes on their cell phones than on the world around them! Scientists are researching technology to erase specific memories from people! Our thrown-away digital technology is showing up overseas in huge piles of toxic heavy metals and plasticandhra net banking

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E-mail has some magical ability to turn off the politeness gene in a human being.aponline.gov.in

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Science and technology multiply around us. To an increasing extent they dictate the languages in which we speak and think. Either we use those languages, or we remain mute.” apcommercial

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I fear that we live in an ahistorical age in which we believe that we are so wise that we no longer need the lessons of the past, perhaps most disturbingly of all that technology has put us beyond the lessons of the past.” wordpress villa

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Hey, it's gonna be a gas,' Scape assured me. 'If you're into machines and stuff - like I am - you'd go for it. People are gonna have all kinds of shit. Do whatever they want with it. That's why it didn't faze me when ol' Bendray first told me about wanting to blow up the world. Hey - in the Future, everybody will want to!”yoast bulk edit

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“She watched the tunnels as they flowed past: bare walls of concrete, a net of pipes and wires, a web of rails that went off into black holes where green and red lights hung as distant drops of color. There was nothing else to dilute it, so that one could admire naked purpose and the ingenuity that had achieved it.”up scholarship

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..intelligence nowadays is all about application: it is the ability 'to take in a complex system and learn its rules on the fly'. For young people, this ability is second nature. Any fool knows that, if you need a new and unfamiliar VCR programmed in a hurry, you commandeer any small passing child to do it.”lic recruitment

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“I have a dream, there will be critical point in the future,
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A photograph is a universe of dots. The grain, the halide, the little silver things clumped in the emulsion. Once you get inside a dot, you gain access to hidden information, you slide into the smallest event. This is what technology does. It peels back the shadows and redeems the dazed and rumbling past. It makes reality come true.” obc online

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“The ultimate goal of technology, the telos of techne, is to replace a natural world that’s indifferent to our wishes — a world of hurricanes and hardships and breakable hearts, a world of resistance — with a world so responsive to our wishes as to be, effectively, a mere extension of the self.domicile certificate in tamilnadu

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“Modernism isn't a design ethos any more, it's an economy of scale, and a marketing tool to sell the ordinary as something special, the sexless as erotic. A technological device without a specific, personalized identity has a subtext: it asserts the value of instrumentality. Its design is a reflection of its role... The anonymity of these objects is part of what they are: interchangeable commodities whose uniqueness in so far as they possess any is created by what is done with them. Function is an identity. And that identity is something we are encouraged to incorporate into our perception of self, that anonymity is proposed as something to emulate. Whimsy and uniqueness are indulgences.tin check tamilnadu

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“To the Technocrats: Have mercy on us. Relax a bit, take time out for simple pleasures. For example, the luxuries of electricity, indoor plumbing, central heating, instant electronic communication and such, have taught me to relearn and enjoy the basic human satisfactions of dipping water from a cold clear mountain stream; of building a wood fire in a cast-iron stove; of using long winter nights for making music, making things, making love; of writing long letters, in longhand with a fountain pen, to the few people on this earth I truly care about.” office365login

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To begin with, there is the frightful debauchery of taste that has already been effected by a century of mechanisation. This is almost too obvious and too generally admitted to need pointing out. But as a single instance, take taste in its narrowest sense - the taste for decent food. In the highly mechanical countries, thanks to tinned food, cold storage, synthetic flavouring matters, etc., the palate it almost a dead organ. As you can see by looking at any greengrocer’s shop, what the majority of English people mean by an apple is a lump of highly-coloured cotton wool from America or Australiaexchange online tutorial

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One-third to one-half of humanity are said to go to bed hungry every night. In the Old Stone Age the fraction must have been much smaller. This is the era of hunger unprecedented. Now, in the time of the greatest technical power, is starvation an institution. Reverse another venerable formula: the amount of hunger increases relatively and absolutely with the evolution of culture.”canara bank net banking forgot password

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...intelligence nowadays is all about application: it is the ability 'to take in a complex system and learn its rules on the fly'. For young people, this ability is second nature. Any fool knows that, if you need a new and unfamiliar VCR programmed in a hurry, you commandeer any small passing child to do it.”corporation net banking login

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If a church or government were doing these things, it would feel authoritarian, but when technologists are the culprits, we seem hip, fresh, and inventive. People will accept ideas presented in technological form that would be abhorrent in any other form. It is utterly strange to hear my many old friends in the world of digital culture claim to be the true sons of the Renaissance without realizing that using computers to reduce individual expression is a primitive, retrograde activity, no matter how sophisticated your tools are.”uco e banking corporate login

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