Sunday, April 11, 2010

Seven Awesomely Pornographic Webcomics to Read Behind Locked Doors

Warning: The following post is not safe for work, children, iPads, puritanical mothers-in-law, or persons with heart conditions. There are pictures of nekkid folks and naughty bits below the jump, and you should assume that any of the links in this post could make your head (or computer) asplode. [More]

As a wise person once said, the Internet is for porn. We have all kinds of porn -- not just sexy grandmas and uninhibited coeds, but Snorks BDSM, Transformers yaoi, and enough masturbating Sailor Senshi to make a Tijuana Bible maker blush.

But oddly, when I think of pornographic webcomics, not a whole lot comes to mind. No, scratch that, not a whole lot of good porny webcomics come to mind. There are plenty of NC-17 images floating around the webcomics world, but the bar for webcomics porn hasn't been set very high. I valiantly attempted to read something called PronQuest, but the sight of all those 3D sprites made my eyes bleed.

And there are plenty of comics that are suggestive, but fall short of actual pornography, and comics with lots of NSFW images that aren't porny in the least.

So what is the seeker of quality pornographic webcomics to do? Well, there's Slipshine, a collection of webcomics porn, boasting strips from Josh Lesnick, Phil Foglio, and over a dozen other creators. But Slipshine costs $89.99 a year -- although they swear the phrase "webcomics porn" never appears on your credit card statement. For those who prefer their hand-drawn porn free, you might want to take a gander at these comics:


Sexy Losers: This here's the great-grandaddy of great pornographic webcomics, although it's important to note that Sexy Losers (once The Thin H Line), probably wasn't meant to be titillating. Instead, it pokes fun at a wide variety of fetishes, sexual acts, and relationships. Let's put it this way: the recurring characters include a guy who thinks masturbation is the height of human experience, a woman who longs to sleep with her son, a necrophiliac who constantly follows around a suicidal girl (thus thwarting her attempts at suicide), and a fairy who breathe life into sex toys. Sexy Losers ended years ago, but it still holds a warm place in my black and twisted heart. As a teenager, I read this on my parents' dial-up and learned far more about sexual fetishes than I ever cared to. But hey, it was pretty damn funny and it gifted the Internet with the word "fap."




Oglaf: Oglaf is a spiritual successor to Sexy Losers, but it's not nearly as nightmare-inducing. Instead of focusing on the missteps of copraphages and necrophiliacs, Oglaf imagines the full range of sexual misadventures one might find in a high fantasy universe. There's that poor sorceress's apprentice who's not even allowed to masturbate, the perils of performing cunnilingus on the Snow Queen, and penises both blessed and cursed. Oh, and since this seems to surprise everyone, 'tis a girl who makes Oglaf. She just really likes to draw cocks and boobies.



Curvy: Okay, now we're getting into some good old fashioned gratuitous sex. I like to imagine that author Sylvan Migdal fell asleep one night after eating an entire Easter basket while watching Mario Bros-themed lesbian porn and dreamed up Curvy. Anais is a typical high school student until she runs into Fauna Lokjom, a licorice-flavored runaway bride from a dimension called Candy World. You see, there are many worlds in the Curvy universe, and each one has a gimmick (Tragically, we're Boring World). But all the worlds have one thing in common: everyone is pretty much always having sex all the time. The comic may sound as thin as a Necco Wafer, but it's actually chock full of clever sight gags. Read it, then read it again without your hands in your lap.




Ménage à 3: This one's easily the least explicit comic on the list, but it still features plenty of bare breasts and butt sex (albeit the non-graphic kind). A modern update of the classic sex comedy, Ménage ostensibly stars virginal twenty-something Gary, but focuses more on the omnisexual exploits of his friends and roommates. It's full of sitcom misunderstandings, constant innuendo, and quasi-platonic bedsharing. The comic got off to a slow start, but it's improved thanks in part to its expanding cast (especially the addition of tentacle-phobic Yuki and her hilariously improbable backstory). Now if only Gisele would hop to it and draw some wangs.



Chester 5000 XYV: Steampunk robot porn. I like saying that because I imagine the Internet cracks a little bit each time. Actually, Chester isn't terribly steampunky aside from its titular robo sex machine. In a lovely Victorian household, a talented inventor discovers that his wife has an unusually impressive libido. To prevent her from boning him to death, the inventor builds Chester 5000 XYV, the perfect automatic erotic playmate. All seems well until woman and robot fall passionately in love. Chester 5000 XYV is perfectly porny: tastefully titillating without taking itself too seriously, and has not a word of verbal dialogue. Incidentally, creator Jess Fink is also the author of the previously mentioned Star Trek: TNG review comics, which feature lots of sexy Picard.






Doctor Voluptua: Josh Lesnick is the brains behind webcomics-porn-for-pay site Slipshine and the creator of Slipshine comic The Wild, Wet, and Wooly World of Wendy. But he's also got a dirty comic that won't put a dent in your credit card bill. Busty sex psychiatrist Doctor Voluptua has some unconventional methods for treating unconventional sexual dysfunctions, be it a fear of penises, a singing dong, or a need for some unusual accoutrements during coitus. The comic only lasted for three story arcs, but in that brief span we got lots of shiny naked people, smiling wangs, and maracas. 





Starfighter: Here's another phrase that might give the Internet a happy little shudder: yaoi sci-fi porn. Admittedly, I don't know much about yaoi, but from what little I know, Starfighter fits the bill: two vaguely effeminate men strike up a relationship where one takes on a more stereotypically "male" role and the other a more stereotypically "female" role. The major difference here is that we actually see their throbbing members in action -- in spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace. Codename Cain is a hotshot fighter pilot who is literally aroused by his own prowess in battle. Codename Abel is his new navigator, a timid pretty boy who defied his wealthy family to join the military. Naturally, there's a lot of power-tripping sex to be had between them.

Any great pornographic webcomics I've left off the list? Post them in the comments. It's for...uh...research.

134 comments:

  1. Spying with Lana: The online comic itself is mostly softcore but the printed version has uncensored scenes.

    Genma Visage: Contains several erotic scenes.

    Edible Dirt: Mostly humour but has plenty of dirty jokes to go around

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oglaf is definitely my favorite, and gave me the inspiration for creating the (unfortunately, only french) humoristic webcomic ControlQ.
    http://www.controlq.fr

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  4. So....I've pretty much read them all? *sigh* I came here hoping I could find a new one. I salute you on your tastes, however. Especially on Curvy. That one starts my Saturdays off right~ ^-^ unfortunately, I have nothing to suggest as all the ones that I have read and liked are here.

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  5. Peter is the Wolf Sex every now and then in the adult part, lots of censored boobs in the non adult.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am also always on this quest. I lOVE Starfighter and Chester. Here are a couple more I've enjoyed:

    Artifice - http://webcomics.yaoi911.com/
    Loved it, but it's far too short. Left me wanting more.

    Teahouse - http://teahousecomic.com/
    Definitely enjoying this one.

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  7. the dragon and the lemur. furry but mostly humanoid with tails etc

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  79. It was summer and moonlight and we had lemonade to drink, and we held the cold glasses in our hands, and Dad read the stereo-newspapers inserted into the special hat you put on your head and which turned the microscopic page in front of the magnifying lens if you blinked three times in succession.”canara bank net banking

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  80. The evil of technology was not technology itself, Lindbergh came to see after the war, not in airplanes or the myriad contrivances of modern technical igenuity, but in the extent to which they can distance us from our better moral nature, or sense of personal accountability.” canara bank credit card apply

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  81. One-third to one-half of humanity are said to go to bed hungry every night. In the Old Stone Age the fraction must have been much smaller. This is the era of hunger unprecedented. Now, in the time of the greatest technical power, is starvation an institution. Reverse another venerable formula: the amount of hunger increases relatively and absolutely with the evolution of culture.”canara bank net banking forgot password

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  82. Technical people don't make good slaves. Without their wholehearted cooperation, things fall apart.” how to link aadhaar with canara bank account

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  83. Technology causes problems as well as solves problems. Nobody has figured out a way to ensure that, as of tomorrow, technology won't create problems. Technology simply means increased power, which is why we have the global problems we face today."idbi netbanking login

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  84. “Your brain may give birth to any technology, but other brains will decide whether the technology thrives. The number of possible technologies is infinite, and only a few pass this test of affinity with human nature.”idbi mobile banking

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  85. It's not technology that limits us. We're the limitation. Our technology is an expression of our intelligence and creativity, so the limitations of our technology are a reflection of our own limitations. We can't fundamentally advance technology until we fundamentally advance ourselves.”idbi bank corporate login

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  86. ...intelligence nowadays is all about application: it is the ability 'to take in a complex system and learn its rules on the fly'. For young people, this ability is second nature. Any fool knows that, if you need a new and unfamiliar VCR programmed in a hurry, you commandeer any small passing child to do it.”corporation net banking login

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  87. “I have a dream, there will be critical point in the future,
    where economics and technology will negate each other.”www.corpretail.com

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  88. Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end, an end which it was already but too easy to arrive at; as railroads lead to Boston or New York. We are in great haste to construct a magnetic telegraph from Maine to Texas; but Maine and Texas, it may be, have nothing important to communicate.” corporation bank app

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  89. Your comfort zone is a place where you keep yourself in a self-illusion and nothing can grow there but your potentiality can grow only when you can think and grow out of that zone.” corporation bank money transfer

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  90. Many aspects of our screen-bound lives are bad for our social skills simply because we get accustomed to controlling the information that comes in, managing our relationships electronically, deleting stuff that doesn't interest us. We edit the world; we select from menus; we pick and choose; our social 'group' focuses on us and disintegrates without us. This makes it rather confusing for us when we step outdoors and discover that other people's behaviour can't be deleted with a simple one-stroke command or dragged to the trash icon.” uco bank net banking login

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  91. Witchcraft had once been widely used before cursed by the society.
    I see today the society presumes technology will have a different treatment.”uco bank login

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  92. Something like missionary reductionism has happened to the internet with the rise of web 2.0. The strangeness is being leached away by the mush-making process. Individual web pages as they first appeared in the early 1990S had the flavor of personhood. MySpace preserved some of that flavor, though a process of regularized formatting had begun. Facebook went further, organizing people into multiple-choice identities, while Wikipedia seeks to erase point of view entirelyuco bank m banking

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  93. If a church or government were doing these things, it would feel authoritarian, but when technologists are the culprits, we seem hip, fresh, and inventive. People will accept ideas presented in technological form that would be abhorrent in any other form. It is utterly strange to hear my many old friends in the world of digital culture claim to be the true sons of the Renaissance without realizing that using computers to reduce individual expression is a primitive, retrograde activity, no matter how sophisticated your tools are.”uco e banking corporate login

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  94. Technical perfection strives towards the calculable, human perfection towards the incalculable. Perfect mechanisms - around which, therefore, stands an uncanny but fascinating halo of brilliance - evoke both fear and Titanic pride which will be humbled not by insight but only by catastrophe.how to add payee in uco bank

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  95. The fear and enthusiasm we experience at the sight of perfect mechanisms are in exact contrast to the happiness we feel at the sight of a perfect work of art. We sense an attack on our integrity, on our wholeness. That arms and legs are lost or harmed is not yet the greatest danger.uco bank link aadhar

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  96. Alas, our technology has marched ahead of our spiritual and social evolution, making us, frankly, a dangerous people.”dena bank personal login

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  97. I'm not sure he's wrong about automobiles," he said. "With all their speed forward they may be a step backward in civilization -- that is, in spiritual civilization. It may be that they will not add to the beauty of the world, nor to the life of men's souls.dena bank mobile registration

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  98. I can't blame modern technology for my predilection for distraction, not after all the hours I've spent watching lost balloons disappear into the clouds. I did it before the Internet, and I'll do it after the apocalypse, assuming we still have helium and weak-gripped children.dena bank internet banking password reset

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  99. Because you can text while doing something else, texting does not seem to take time but to give you time. This is more than welcome; it is magical.”hdfc net banking

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  100. “Computers are heaven-sent when they work and hell-spawn when they don't.
    There's just not much middle ground when it comes to technologyhdfcbankinternetbanking

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  101. People addicted with technology.
    Technology has indulged mankind.
    Beware of technology dependency!” hdfc register & pay login

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  102. “Twittering just seemed to be people telling other people what they were doing--getting in the shower, making coffee. Who on earth wanted to know these things?...Babble and twitter. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”hdfc smart hub education

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  103. [T]he problem was too much information. The population was being inundated with conflicting versions of increasingly complex events. People were giving up on understanding anything. The glut of information was dulling awareness, not aiding it. Overload. It encouraged passivity, not involvement.” how to update pan number in hdfc bank

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  104. A citizen at his home in Rockford, Illinois, or Boulder, Colorado, could read a newspaper, listen to a radio, or watch the round-the-clock coverage on television, but he had no way of connecting with those who shared his views. Nor was there a quick, readily available tool for an ordinary citizen to gather information on his own. In 1960, communication was a one-way street, and information was fundamentally inaccessible. The whole idea of summoning up data or reaching thousands of individuals with the touch of a finger was a science-fiction fantasy.www.iconnect.co.in

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  105. What was achieved under Nazi-fascism through bloody terror against the organized workers’ movement and the people is to be achieved again today in West Europe through the “information society”axis mobile banking registration

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  106. [B]ecause the minimum costs of being an organization in the first place are relatively high, certain activities may have some value but not enough to make them worth pursuing in any organized way. New social tools are altering this equation by lowering the costs of coordinating group action.” entrance exam 2017

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